


The Incredible Squeaking Turian

by Umbralpilot



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Allergies, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Tali and Garrus fail at sex, Tumblr Fic, ficadayinmay, squeaky turians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-01
Updated: 2014-05-01
Packaged: 2018-01-21 13:19:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1551884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Umbralpilot/pseuds/Umbralpilot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Garrus and Tali encounter a bit of an unexpected hurdle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Incredible Squeaking Turian

Sometimes, Shepard swears that the universe has got it in for them personally. Tali, for all that she’d skidded some of the same edges as her old friend, isn’t usually so hard or bitter or just put-upon enough that she’d agree. But they all have their days, sometimes.

Such as when she and Garrus are finally alone together in her quarters, finally both naked to the waist, finally and for the very first time ever touching each other’s bare flesh and breathing in each other’s scent through the last wisps of disinfectant, soap and immunoboosters that tingle on her skin. Finally,  _finally_ , after days of preparation and psyching up, and he’d even agreed to let just the faintest echoes of the theme from Fleet and Flotilla play in the background so she’d really feel like she’s living that legendary dramatic moment. Their foreheads are touching, her bioluminescence thrilling amaranthine on the silvery gray of his facial plates. And then suddenly Garrus makes a noise like a squeaky toy.

Tali is just excited and girlishly breathless and a little dazed enough to wonder if this is some turian term of endearment. Then he does it again. And again. She makes her own confused little noise when he pulls back and gives his head a great shake. She is well-versed in reading alien faces, enough to know aversion on any face when she sees it. Oh, keelah. Oh no.

"… Garrus? Is everything alr-"

_Squeak_. That is probably not turian for  _your breath is awful_ , but she’s having trouble convincing herself of that.  _Squeak. SQUEAK._ He’s still shaking his head and now pushing both hands against his face, unable to talk for some reason. His mandibles twitch violently with every bit of noise. Tali's alarm finally wins over her indignation and slight despondence. She reaches out to him, but he pushes her hand aside.  _SQUEAK._

He stops squeaking just long enough to say “oh,  _shit_.”

At least it isn't a __two more brutes behind you_  _kind of oh shit. At least not that. “What’s going on?”

He opens his mouth to speak but doesn't. She expects another squeak noise, but instead he clears his throat and his mandibles shift in the little way that conveys embarrassment. "Uh, Tali…"

"What?"

"I, uh…"

" _What?"_

"I… think I'm allergic to your disinfectant."

Tali's lower jaw drops further down than she thought it was capable of. She briefly feels like a vorcha.

"That was sneezing?"

"Couldn't you tell…?"

"No! How was I supposed to? You - I don’t think I've ever seen a turian sneeze."

"Well, now you know why," Garrus says dryly, and squeaks six more times.

A cultural encounter first, then. Against her best intentions, Tali's dismay transforms into profound scientific fascination. She leans forward and watches the biological peculiarity unfold. The plating means that the only change in Garrus' face is a shift in the brow plates, a great flaring of the mandibles, his head rears back and -  _SQUEAK_. Their heads nearly collide. Garrus attempts to apologize but is too busy doing the whole thing over again. Every time he does, he briefly looks like one of those incredible Earth animals that Shepard calls kittens, shocked and awed at the idea that his own body could produce a noise like that.

It is, Tali concludes, the single cutest thing she had seen in her life.

Then she starts to laugh and can’t stop any more than Garrus can stop sneezing. They drown out the soundtrack between them.

"Please," Garrus manages between gasping breaths. "Do share what’s so amusing. Is it about the manly voice? The demonstration of turian lung capacity? Just my  _singular_  luck?”

Now it’s Tali’s turn to be unable to answer for a while. Finally, she drags herself off the bed, giggles on the floor for a while, and then fumbles over to the shower to grab some tissues. They’re both going to need them. She’d laughed herself into blinding tears.

"It’s the irony," she says. "My disinfectant. _"_  And she collapses in mild hysterics again leaning on the sink.

She can’t convey the full breadth of it to Garrus. He’s incredible in so many ways - sensible, considerate, much more open-minded than most give him credit for - but even he is limited in how much he can understand. How much anyone who isn’t a quarian can understand, who didn’t have to use disinfectants, endure immunobooster shots, shower three times before opening the door, didn’t have to build up the courage over days for the sensation of unfiltered air against the skin. Quarian suits are never so tight and ungainly as to leave any marks, but they do nonetheless. In the other room, Garrus curses and squeaks, squeaks and curses, and she emerges to find him a twitching, groaning, sniffling mess. She feels so sorry for him, and so buoyed with sudden confidence at her seeing him like that first. 

"Here." She gives him a handful of tissues. He clutches at them like a dying man. "Just wait ten minutes and I’ll shower again."

"Sure. This didn’t kill the mood like Shepard with a shotgun or anything. Not at all." He snuffles pathetically and refuses to look at her. Tali hasn’t the heart to tell him that the only thing that might kill the mood is that he’s being just too adorable to do anything dirty with.   

"No, it didn’t. Come on." Her hand squeezes his arm, the tender place where the plating recedes. Finally he looks up, and blinks at her grin. Then he squeaks again, the loudest yet. Squeeze toy. He groans. Tali somehow, valiantly, heroically, manages not to laugh.

"Come on," she says again. "I think you need a shower too." 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Turians have really tiny cute noses you guys.


End file.
